If you're in a relationship, chances are you've had your fair share of tense moments. It's OK to have arguments — clashing is a completely normal part of being a couple. The key to any lasting relationship is to work toward building a stronger, more intimate bond. To have an open, honest, and vulnerable relationship with our partner, we must be able to freely communicate healthily. 

A lot of us have been in situations where we have tried communicating with our partners on whichever matters, just for things to end up worse than they were, to begin with. For some couples, communicating in a way that leaves them feeling heard becomes nearly impossible as time goes by, all because of using the wrong approach. Whether you're just starting as a couple or have been together for years, these strategies can help you both improve your communication skills. Hopefully, with enough practice and patience, you'll both get to that point where you feel safe, understood, heard, and your feelings acknowledged by your partner.

Overview: In this post, we'll cover 3 common mistakes couples make, that result in poor communication and 3 ways to improve on this so they can both achieve a healthier happier relationship

3 common mistakes resulting in poor communication

Before you can get to work on improving your communication skills, it's important to first identify the areas that need some work. Here are some signs to look for.

1. The silent treatment

People often adopt the silent treatment thinking it's setting boundaries, but boundaries work best when communicated explicitly with a partner, otherwise, they may not realize they've crossed one. It's better to be assertive about a boundary than to assume that a partner knows why you're hurt and shut them out, which can often cause more damage to a relationship.

2. Passive-aggressive behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior is an indirect way of expressing negative emotions where you do not communicate them directly. In relationships, this might look like: backhanded compliments. Another example is giving the silent treatment and pretending everything is fine when it clearly isn't, which often leaves your partner feeling anxious over something they might have done or failed to do.

3. Lack of empathy or ability to listen

Many times, whenever you see a couple in a disagreement it is easy to see them pointing fingers at each other. In the heat of the disagreement, it becomes impossible for them to simply put themselves in their partner's shoes and perhaps just try to understand where their partner is coming from with whatever it is that's affecting them. This leads to the problem remaining unresolved and basically becoming much bigger and much more toxic to the relationship as time goes by.  In many cases, this results in resentment and the end of a relationship.

Tip: All of these behaviors allow you to express your frustration without actually having to talk about it. It might feel satisfying at the moment, but in the long run, the challenges you're experiencing will become much bigger because they will remain unresolved.

3 tips for better communication with your partner

Recognize any of the above signs in your relationship? These tips can help you foster more open and honest communication.

1. Thinking about timing

Choosing the right time to talk with your partner can make all the difference in the world. If something's weighing on your mind, give your partner a heads up that you'd like to sit down and talk. If your partner knows that you'd like to speak with them, this can help de-escalate the situation as well because they are less likely to feel ambushed or blindsided by a heated debate.

2. Start with 'I' statements and feelings

How we speak to our partners can make all the difference. Often, couples begin a conversation by pointing the finger at the other person and placing blame without knowing how damaging it can be. Truth be told in the past I have made this mistake while trying to communicate and be heard, but I know better now. Beginning conversations with how you are feeling is a great start. You can ensure you do this by using statements that start with "I." For example, instead of calling out your partner for focusing too much on work, you could say, "I feel hurt when you're always focusing on work and not making time for us as a couple, I miss you." This is less accusatory than saying, "You're always focusing on work"

Tip: Try your best not to sound accusatory, and start conversations with the word "I" to express yourself

3. Focus on both listening and being heard

 Many couples enter conversations as though they are debates or arguments that they must win. While you may not agree with your partner's point of view, it's important to listen to why they feel the way they do. They should do the same for you. When having a discussion, don't make it a competition to see who wins. Instead, actively listen and try to understand their point of view.

Bottom line: We're often so quick to guard ourselves against being blamed for everything and forget that when the relationship started we were on the same team and still should be. This person is your partner, not your enemy.

Overview

Effective communication is the foundation of a successful relationship, but that doesn't mean it's always easy. Remember that the focus of communication with your partner is coming to an understanding. Whether you're bringing up hurt feelings or addressing conflicting ideas, both of you should leave a conversation feeling as though there's some kind of resolution. This helps people forgive and move forward. It can also bring on feelings of strength and connection between partners.
If you're having a hard time working through communications in your relationship, consider seeing a therapist, either on your own or with your partner, to work through any underlying issues and develop some new tools.

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